In NeS3 Post 4, Chris the Bad Guy split up the villains to search for the NeS Heroes, so in NeS3 Post 7 The Otakus, led by Edgelord, decide to search the conspicuous Ditch Lighthouse. Raman constantly disappoints Edgelord with his poor knowledge of Japanese and Otaku customs, including constantly getting the honorifics wrong. Dank Ravenknight offers to kill Raman for his failure but Edgelord is certain Raman will get the hang of it in time. Before they enter the lighthouse they are joined by the replacement for Dave-san, who was accidentally killed in NeS3 Post 3, who is a grown man trying to wear a tiny girl's school uniform and goes by the name Kawaii-Mikeu. They ascend the lighthouse, though it is a difficult experience for all of them as they are all overweight. When they reach the top they find a girl, Iriana Emp, alone. They make a battle plan but Raman thinks she is unthreatening and might talk to them. He then forms a plan where he could pretend to save her and she would owe him sex. They argue over who should play the hero when Raman considers that he might have been wrong to think up this plan as she might not want to have sex with any of them, rescued or not. Emperorofpantsu doesn't care who saves her, he just wants her used panties afterwards. Sushi Baka, however, grows impatient as he has no interest in a real girl at all. He goes on the attack and shows off his 'skills' with his glaring katana. Iriana is actually impressed, despite his poor performance, stating she couldn't do it herself. Sushi Baka is unsure how to proceed but he shows off some more but breaks a lamp. Iriana doesn't mind and Sushi Baka claims she is much nicer than his mother. When Iriana complains about her own father, Al Ciao, they start talking. The other Otaku are amazed by this and they decide to try to follow Sushi Baka's lead and approach her. Elsewhere, in New Zealand, Wai has receieved information from a town that the NeS Heroes are on the island nearby, known as The Ditch. To get there there is a special dance that must be performed on a pier to open the portal to the lighthouse. Once he appears he finds himself surprised to see a young girl drinking tea with a bunch of weird, middle-aged men.

Post

Ninja Assault

The Otakus creep down the corridors of The Ditch, the island home to the newest batch of NeS Heroes. The island sports a series of varied facilities, from the training pit to the common rooms to the garden centre. To the far side of the island stands a tall, red lighthouse. At the bottom is a solitary door to gain access, though only after a winding path up the hill upon which the lighthouse stands. The Otakus emerge from the main complex to the bright light of day to look at the lighthouse.

Edgelord: “Up there.”

Raman: “Are you sure Edgelord-san?”

Edgelord glares at Raman Man.

Edgelord:San!?”

Raman Man quickly flips through his brain files, accessing the extremely important information from his otaku[Ext 1] training.

Raman: “The honorifics[Ext 2] are difficult to remember… sama?”

Edgelord: “Sama is better, but I am your teacher!”

Raman: “Sensei!”

Edgelord: “Good. And yes! I’m sure there’s one of them up there. It’s too conspicuous for there not to be someone up there.”

The five men ran up the path, as fast as their body weight would allow them and arms spread behind them like anime[Ext 3] ninjas. At the top of the lighthouse there didn’t appear to be any light source, no giant bulb and no great flame. Edgelord put it down to it being daytime.

They reached the door and eventually they managed to jimmy it open with a shuriken.

Edgelord stood aside and motioned his students to go in.

Raman: “Uh, shouldn’t the teacher show the way?”

Edgelord glared at him.

Edgelord: “Raman-kun, you are beginning to prove a disappointment.”

Raman: “Sorry sensei… shouldn’t I be Raman-san? Or is it Raman-chan?”

Edgelord: “It is kun when I address you! Are you questioning me now?”

Raman: “No no! Arigato sensei!”

Edgelord: “Arigato means thank you… and you should say domo-arigato to me.”

Raman: “Uh… uh… domo… domo-konichiwa?”

Edgelord: “You disappoint me, Raman-kun…”

Dank Ravenknight: “We can’t have weakness in our ranks, Edgelord-Sensei. Shall I dispose of this failure?”

Edgelord: “No. No need. Raman-kun will learn in time. But Dave-san’s replacement should be here soon.”

Dank Ravenknight looked at Edgelord with surprise. To any onlookers it would be very difficult to tell these men apart at a glance. All were overweight, all wore trenchcoats and trilby hats and they all had the same neckbeard. Only their brilliantly coloured katanas marked them apart – like Power Rangers[Ext 4]. Dank Ravenknight’s katana was a sickening neon green, like illuminous snot.

A cry came from down the path.

Edgelord: “Here he comes now.”

The Otakus turned to see the replacement member for the unfortunate Dave-san who had been obliterated earlier by ray gun.

There came skipping up the path an equally obese white man except he wasn’t wearing the standard issue uniform of The Otakus. He had a blonde wig on top of his brown hair, which was kept in two pigtails on either side of his head. He wore a tiny sailor-suit uniform that was evidently inspired by Sailor Moon[Ext 5] but it didn’t fit him at all. The tiny skirt revealed the man was wearing male-panties under there and his bare legs were extremely hairy down to the little ballerina slippers. His dark beard was at odds with the blonde wig and the small, pink backpack he wore seemed all the more diminutive compared to his body size.

Edgelord: “Mike-kun, is it?”

Kawaii Mikeu: “Kawaii-Mikeu, if you don’t mind, Edgelord-sensei!”

Kawaii Mikeu gave a v for victory[Ext 6] with his fat fingers and pulled a cute tongue at them.

Edgelord: “Kawaii Mikeu-kun! Welcome to The Otakus. You know our names, right?”

Kawaii Mikeu bowed deeply.

Kawaii Mikeu: “I am well versed, thank you Edgelord-sensei!”

Raman looks put out by this obviously far-superior newcomer to the team. He holds back his tears and just sulks.

Edgelord: “Kawaii Mikeu-kun, we’re going to the top of this lighthouse to find one of these NeS Heroes.”

Kawaii Mikeu: “The villains always think they’re the heroes! No worries, Edgelord-sensei! I shall smite them with my magical girl[Ext 7] powers!”

Edgelord: “Then go, Otakus, to the top!”

The men all hurried inside and jogged up the stairs. They managed to get half-way before they started to run out of breath and had to take a rest. Further down was Edgelord himself, who was the most overweight of the bunch and therefore most out of shape. Dank Ravenknight whips out his inhaler to take a deep drag of it.

Raman: “Want to share that?”

Dank Ravenknight: “You don’t have asthma!”

Raman: “But I can’t breathe!”

Dank Ravenknight: “Should have brought you own, Raman-kōhai!”

Raman: “Kōhai? Which one’s that again?”

Kawaii Mikeu leaps to his feet with sudden renewed energy at the opportunity to prove his great weeaboo[Ext 8] knowledge.

Kawaii Mikeu: “It is the term used to address underclassmen! We should address Dank Ravenknight as Dank Ravenknight-senpai and he calls us kōhai!”

Dank Ravenknight: “You’re knowledge of Japanese is encouraging, Kawaii Mikeu-kōhai!”

Raman’s lower lip wibbles and he quickly wipes his eyes.

Edgelord reaches them, panting, and flumps down onto a step. It takes them all around twenty minutes to get to the top of the stairs were they all fall to the floor and lie there trying to catch their breaths. One of their number, Emperorofpantsu, pulls out packets of cheese and onion crisps for everyone to snack on to get their energy back.

Dank Ravenknight: “This is an arduous quest. But we can do it!”

Kawaii Mikeu leaps to his feet and v for victorys again.

Kawaii Mikeu: “We are The Otakus! If we can’t do this, no one can!”

Raman decides not to be outdone and leaps to his own feet.

Raman: “We are The Otakus! We—ah—we are the best—the bestest of them all!”

The others slowly get to their feet, groaning from the strain and using the walls for support. A few extra crisps later and they feel they’re ready to go on. The corridors of the lighthouse are extremely narrow given the limit space of the building. However they soon come to a very large room at the top of the lighthouse which is empty. Its walls are all glass, allowing a view of the ocean beyond the island and the distant lands of Australia in one direction and New Zealand in the other. The room is filled with a lot of clutter, such as books and ornaments and statues and plants. Someone clearly lives here. That someone is probably the girl sitting at a small, white lattice table beside the window. She is seated with her back to the men and her nose in a book. On the table is a china tea set, complete with a steaming teapot. Not noticing the men behind her, the girl takes a sip from her teacup and then dips a dainty biscuit into it to then nibble on.

The men all look at each other quietly. Then they shuffle to the back of the room to make a battle plan.

Raman: “Is-is she a waifu[Ext 9]!?”

Edgelord: “What!? No! Don’t be fooled! The only real waifu are anime waifu! Real girls are off limits! Don’t you know how terrible they are? They don’t care about you, they only care about themselves! They don’t care about nice guys like us! We hold the door open for them so they don’t have to strain themselves, we offer them money to buy all the toys they like, we work so they don’t have to—”

He points to Dank Ravenknight.

Edgelord: “Making websites.”

He points to Emperorofpantsu.

Edgelord: “Drawing hentai[Ext 10].”

He points at the final member, Sushi Baka.

Edgelord:Trolling forums[Ext 11].”

The men all nod in understanding of their teacher’s wisdom.

Edgelord: “And what do they care about our feelings? Nothing! They don’t even look at us!”

Raman: “I wonder what they feel?”

Edgelord: “What? What do you mean? Don’t speak nonsense! They don’t have feelings! If they did, they would love us and not those guys that treat them so badly! Girls don’t want nice guys like us. That’s why we have our anime girls. They’ll never turn us down.”

Raman: “But, Edgelord-sensei, she looks so… passive and cute and not-at-all-intimidating!”

He looks over at the girl. She’s wearing a girl, flamboyant dress from centuries ago. The shoulders are puffed up and she has long, white, silk gloves up her skinny arms. Her hair is black and has tight curls that spill down her shoulders and back. She sips softly on her tea again.

Edgelord: “Fool, Raman-kun! Even the quiet girls have minds of their own!”

Raman: “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. But—now, what if—we try this plan! If you all pretend to attack her, then I save her from you and then she’ll love me! Out of gratitude she will want to have sex with me!”

Edgelord nods with keen interest.

Edgelord: “You know, that could work! Sex as reward always works in anime and movies, right? Oh, so obviously I’ll be the one to save her. I am the teacher after all.”

Kawaii Mikeu: “But wait! I’m Kawaii Mikeu, I can’t be the bad guy! I’m a magical girl! I have to save her! And then we can have yuri[Ext 12] sex!”

Dank Ravenknight: “You can’t have yuri sex, you have a… you know? Second katana.”

Emperorofpantsu:Futanari[Ext 13]!

Kawaii Mikeu: “But—but—no! I am not futanari! I am a magical girl!”

Emperorofpantsu: “Okay, well, I don’t care who gets the girl. I just want her panties.”

Edgelord: “It’s a deal!”

Raman: “You know, I wonder if I’m wrong about this?”

Edgelord: “What do you mean?”

Raman: “Well, I just thought… what if she doesn’t want to have sex with any of us? Even if we save her?”

Edgelord: “But she will owe us sex! It’s not like we have to save her but we did that for her so she has to give us something in return. And it’s always sex. It was your idea Raman-kun!”

Raman: “I know, I know. I just wonder…”

Sushi Baka: “Okay, screw this. I have my body pillow of Konata Izumi[Ext 14]. I’ll do this if you chumps won’t.”

Kawaii Mikeu: “Don’t call our sensei a chump, you baka, Baka-senpai!”

But Sushi Baka has stopped listening and goes on the attack with his elite ninja-samurai skills. He steps forward and shouts at the girl. As one of the only Otaku members to have studied the files on the enemy of the day, Sushi Baka recognises this one as Iriana Emp.

Sushi Baka: “Irichan!”

Iriana looks up from her book and blinks a few times as she sees, for the first time, a group of six men standing at the back of the room. She glances down at her teacup.

Iriana: “Did I drink some of that funny tea again? I really shouldn’t keep that LSD[Ext 15] tea around.”

Sushi Baka: “I, the mighty Sushi Baka, challenge you!”

He slowly draws his neon pink katana from his hip, where it was hanging, and holds it poised towards her with a double-grip. Iriana perks up.

Iriana: “Oh! Your katana is pink! How cute!”

Kawaii Mikeu: “The word is kawaii you dumb bitch!”

Iriana shrinks in her chair, being shouted at by a man in a Japanese schoolgirls uniform in an uncomfortable situation.

Sushi Baka: “Prepare yourself!”

Sushi Baka then leans down and gets on all floors. The process is slow and awkward but when he gets there he then rolls forward. He then gets up, almost falling over as he does so, and jumps to the right. He makes another slow, clumsy roll to the right again. When he gets up he waves his katana about, to demonstrate his prowess.

Iriana claps.

Iriana: “That was really good!”

Sushi Baka’s face flushes red.

Sushi Baka: “It—it was? You think so? I practiced for hours and hours to get those rolls in.”

Iriana nods eagerly.

Iriana: “I couldn’t do that! I’m not nearly so nimble.”

Sushi Baka stands there, now unsure what he’s supposed to do. He has a proud grin on his face and starts to do some more ‘moves’ to show this girl what he can ‘really do’. His pink katana smacks into a lamp and smashes it to pieces, startling everyone.

Sushi Baka: “Sorry! Sorry!”

Iriana shrugs.

Iriana: “It wasn’t mine anyway.”

Sushi Baka: “You’re much nicer than my mom! She yelled at me for breaking the one at home. She just doesn’t understand how much training it takes to be a samurai-ninja-warrior!”

Iriana nods after sipping her tea.

Iriana: “I understand. My father doesn’t understand me either. He just doesn’t appreciate tea the way he should.”

Sushi Baka: “Yeah! You know, she shouted at me about how much it cost! Like she doesn’t have enough money? And I was like, ‘why did you spend so much money on a stupid-useless lamp anyway!?’ and she was like ‘you spend hundreds of dollars on those toys!’ and I’m like ‘they’re not toys, mom! And they’re useful!’ My HG Quebeley the Damned[Ext 16] version is gonna be worth, like, double the price in, like, fifty years! It’s all sealed in the original packaging. You know, I had an MG Gundam AGE-2 Normal[Ext 17] and my stupid mom let my little cousin open it! And play with it! He got jello all over it! I cried for weeks. How could she do that!?”

Iriana nods sympathetically.

Iriana: “I once gave my father a copy of Pride & Prejudice[Ext 18] and he used it as a coaster. A coaster for coffee at that!”

Suashi Baka took a seat opposite Iriana.

Iriana: “You know, I don’t even think my father can actually read…”

At the back of the room, the other men stare in awe.

Raman: “He’s actually talking to her!”

Emperorofpantsu: “And she’s talking to him! Without disgust!”

Edgelord:How did he do that!?”

Dank Ravenknight: “She’s probably going make him give her money. That’s what women do, isn’t it? Take a man’s money.”

Edgelord: “Come on, we just go over there.”

Raman: “Not to fight?”

Edgelord: “No! We should see what they’re talking about!”

Raman: “You want to talk to a girl? I don’t know what to say to her!”

Edgelord: “Me neither! We just copy Sushi Baka-kun!”

Then men all shuffle towards the table. When Iriana looks up at them they all bow to her with varying degrees of courage.

Iriana: “Hello.”

Raman faints.

----------

In New Zealand, Wai, the ‘Wandering Artificial Intelligence’, has left the camp of his would-be rescuers. He would have liked to thank them but he doesn’t know if he can trust them, why they would have helped him or what they might expect in return. He decided it would be best to vamoosh.

He had wandered into a fishing town, where the ocean wind blasted the pebble beach. He asked a few of the locals if anyone knew of robotic repairs but came up empty. Once he happened to namedrop the group he was once associated with, NeS Heroes, and he unexpectedly got a result. The ‘weird losers’, as they were affectionately dubbed, had bought an island they called The Ditch. It had been a waste of space for years and the original owner was more than happy to get rid of it and only the NeS Heroes had been stupid enough to buy it.

He had expected he would need a boat to reach the island but he was told of another way.

Wai went along the pebble beach to a pier and stood at the very end of it. His android body had seen better days. Parts of him were worn and torn and the years had seen a lot of disrepair. He once remembered being smashed into tiny pieces. Then he had managed to get repairs easily but here on Earth it was far trickier to get the adequate parts. He could have gotten the parts and repairs at The Sanctuary, the robot city, if he could get there. Closer was The Ditch though. Maybe his old friends were still there. He wants a new direction in his life but he does need those repairs.

As instructed to do, Wai does a merry little jig at the end of the pier.

Nothing happens.

He tries a different dance.

Nothing happens still

He tries to do the Macarena[Ext 19], the worm[Ext 20], the Saturday Night[Ext 21]. He even tries twerking[Ext 22].

Finally he tries Gangnam Style[Ext 23].

A short-wave portal opens up and swallows him with a slurp. He is then spat out again and he could swear he heard the portal burp. Why the portal needs a stupid dance to open is anyone’s business. He supposed whoever created the portal liked K-Pop[Ext 24].

He gets up and finds that he is in a room with wooden flooring and a lot of clutter. In one corner there is a giant teddy bear, another there is a bookcase brimming with books and there are a lot of china plates with cats on them. He frowns and turns around, feeling the rays of light splashing into the room through the massive windows that overlook the ocean over which he had just travelled. Sitting around a small, white table are six grown men in trenchcoats (and one in a sailor suit, which his robotic brain blanked out) and one girl in a pink dress. They are all drinking from tiny teacups.

Wai: “I should not drink that funny tea!”

Iriana: “That’s what I was thinking!”

Wai: “Oh wait, I can’t drink tea.”

Iriana: “Heathen!”

Notes

Britt's Commentary

"When creating this post I had to research a lot of "Weeaboo"[Ext 8] related terminology, including Japanese honorifics[Ext 2], anime terms and Gundam[Ext 25] models. I also had to research top "waifu"[Ext 9] characters, as I had no idea who would even be considered "waifu-material" and the character of Konata Izumi[Ext 14] from Lucky Star[Ext 26] happened to top the poll, though I have never seen the show. I wanted to show how many of these Otakus[Ext 1] are often misguided and ignorant in their sexist views rather than deliberately sexist and that it is often born of an anti-social attitude and reliance on fantasy over reality. This is especially shown when they realise they could try talking to a woman. I also gave them all names and some subtle individual characteristics, though still tried to make them appear homogeneous groups often lean towards.

"I originally named Raman as "Raman Man". It's a play on ramen[Ext 27] noodles spelt incorrectly and 'man' was added to make it sound like a username, much like Emperorofpantsu. But I didn't think it worked and just cut it down, however I forgot to remove the old name at certain points earlier in the post.

"I was also keen on bringing Wai into the main story, after his introduction separate from the main cast in NeS3 Post 5." ~ Britt the Writer

References

External References

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