The Plothole

NeS3 Post 182 deviates from the current Story to present a bleak satirical view of 1781 and the founding of Ditch Island, the current home of the NeS Heroes in 2022. Archibald Benedict Gaylord Ditch is an English explorer intent on trying to discover the next major location for a new British colony, though he is a terrible explorer and a racist bigot who hates his wife and non-British people, especially non-whites. He and his crew discover and island and its native population. Initially he wished to slaughter them all and ignored their pleas, which they made in English, until they mentioned gold, when he decided they were speaking English after all. He decides that the island shall be claimed in the name of the British Empire, though the natives protest. He points out that they do not have a flag and therefore they cannot possibly own the land, immediately planting the British flag in the ground. He names it Ditch Island, which brings sniggering to his own crew, and, again, ignores the natives when they tell him it already has a name. As the natives continue to protest, Captain Ditch has his soldiers murder the native population. When they are done, he notices they missed some - children. Seeing them crying, he declares that English boys would never cry over dead parents, this builds character, though when one of his crew mentions his children cry over toffee, Captain Ditch believes that is something worth crying over. Rather than allow them to dirty his island, he decides to have them sent off as slaves to the United States of America. Satisfied, he wants to leave, but they must ensure that the British flag can be clearly seen so the French won't come and claim the island and name it something horribly French. He is certain the island will be incredibly important in the future and not become a completely pointless waste-of-space... in the future, the island is being dragged across the ocean by Honeybee and kept afloat by goats with inflated testicles. Losien believes that the island must surely be cursed, which is why bad stuff always happens to it. Geppetto the Doll is able to see out of the whale's stomach, which he and the NeS Heroes are inside, using x-ray vision. He gets a slap from Losien when he turns to slowly look at her. However, the stomach suddenly lurches as Ahab the Whale ate spicy shrimp in NeS3 Post 181, which now causes a reaction in the whale's stomach and everyone aboard the ship is suddenly pooped out, fired like projectiles, onto Ditch Island. Losien declares that this is officially the lowest point the Story has ever gone.


Archibald Benedict Gaylord Ditch


The years that followed the death of James Cook saw many would-be naval officers attempt to continue where he left off – hopefully without getting chopped up by the natives unlike their predecessor. However, some of these explorers were better than others…

Archibald Benedict Gaylord Ditch was a man of wealth… and little else. Hoping to make a name for himself – or, at least, something he could brag about to the chaps back home – Captain Ditch had set forth is a very fine, and very expensive, ship. Aboard the ship were all the facilities one could dream of; silk sheets for the king-sized bed, a kitchen able to steam the most wonderful lobster, cotton sails with gold embroidery, wooden floorboards polished to perfection (so much so that sailors kept slipping about the place) and there was even a servant hired for the very specific purpose of discreetly removing the bucket and chucking unwanted matter overboard.

None of which helped the actual sailors, who had to work around all these luxuries and partook in none of them.

Sailor: “LAND HO!”

Captain Ditch almost jumped out of his skin.

Captain Ditch: “OH NO! WHERE!?”

The sailor pointed to the speck on the horizon.

Captain Ditch: “Oh thank god. I thought you meant my wife.”

Sailor: “That’s not a very nice thing to say about your wife, sir.”

Captain Ditch: “I travelled across the entire globe to escape said ‘land ho’. I’ll say what I bloody well like about her. Now, take us to this here island! And somebody fetch me my newspaper!”

The newspapers were brought to the ship daily, via rowing boat. They cost more per paper than the salary for the entire crew.

When the ship arrived at the small, unremarkable island, it was mostly thick with trees, though it soon became apparent that the island was inhabited.

Captain Ditch: “By Jove, we’ve found natives! Prepare the cannons! Get the flintlocks[Ext 1]!”

Sailor: “I think they might be friendly, sir.”

Captain Ditch: “Nonsense! They did in the great James Cook, they do us next!”

Sailor: “They’re carrying fruit baskets.”

Captain Ditch: “A ruse!”

Sailor: “They’re waving. And shouting ‘hello, please don’t kill us’.”

Captain Ditch: “Foreign gobbledegook! Who knows what kind of language they’re babbling!!”

Sailor: “They’re now saying ‘we will give you all the gold on the island if you don’t murder us. Please. Please. We don’t want to be murdered’.”

Captain Ditch: “Gold!? Now they’re speaking English!”

Sailor: “Right…”

The crew rowed up to the island and were greeted by the natives, who offered them fruits and cloth, none of which interested the captain. He wanted the gold. Soon enough he was given a heap of precious gold stones to take home with him.

Captain Ditch: “Excellent! And now! I do declare this island to be property of his majesty King George III of Great Britain! Rule Britannia!”

Native: “Uh. But we already live here.”

Captain Ditch: “So?”

Native: “We… like living here.”

Captain Ditch: “You clearly don’t own this island.”

Native: “We don’t?”

The Englishman surveyed the nearby landscape.

Captain Ditch: “Do you have a flag?”

Native: “I don’t know what that is.”

Captain Ditch: “You can’t own land without a flag.”

He promptly jabbed his own flagpole into the sand, displaying the colours of the union flag'.

Captain Ditch: “I hereby christen this land after my good self, Ditch Island!”

There was some sniggering from the crew.

Captain Ditch: “It is a perfectly good and strong name!”

Continued sniggering.

Captain Ditch: “Proud and firm and not at all silly sounding!”

Native: “But the island already has a name.”

Captain Ditch: “Nobody can say your mumbo-jumbo!”

Native: “But we learnt your language, why can’t—”

Captain Ditch: “Why are these aboriginals still on my island, sailor?”

Sailor: “Uh…”

Captain Ditch: “Kill them, loot their homes for interesting knick-knacks we can foist onto some museum and let’s be off! I have a story to tell the chaps back home!”

Native: “Now waitaminute!”

Reluctantly, the sailors start chasing the natives. Ditch puffs up his chest with pride, surveying his new colony.

Captain Ditch: “With such a promising, and not-at-all negative in anyway, start, I am certain that this island will go on to become an essential frontier for the eastern colonies and will never become a redundant, pointless, waste-of-space!”

Sailor: “That was… very specific, sir.”

The captain thought on that.

Captain Ditch: “Yes, it was rather. How odd. Oh well. Must be these brutal barbarian savages having an adverse effect on my health!”

He says this as his crew maim and slaughter the entire native population.

Captain Ditch: “Yes. White people are clearly the only cultured and civilised race.”

Blood and brains splatter on his boots.

Captain Ditch: “See what I mean? How grotesque they are! Someone wipe my boots for me!”

Sailor: “Sir… we’re done… murdering the population.”

Captain Ditch: “Did you say murder?

Sailor: “I meant… dealing with the population.”

Captain Ditch: “But I can still see some! Those little ones over there!”

Sailor: “They’re… children…”

Captain Ditch: “That explains the crying. What a horrible noise these foreign brats make. Not like good English boys!”

Sailor: “Dunno, my kids scream the bloody house down just to get toffee...”

Captain Ditch: “Toffee? Well, that is a good and proper reason to cry! Dead parents before your eyes, is not! That just builds character! These island savages would never understand such a thing! Well, we can’t leave them on Ditch Island--!”

The crew not engaged in genocide sniggered.

Captain Ditch: “They’ll dirty up the place.”

Sailor: “It is an island, sir. With lots of sand and… dirt…”

Captain Ditch: “I mean the dirt of non-white presence, sailor. Do keep up. I am clearly a colonial era bigot, do have the presence of mind to be likewise.”

Sailor: “Sorry, sir. I’ll do my best.”

Captain Ditch: “I know! We shall sell the children as slaves in the Americas. That deals with them and the Americans do love their slaves, don’t they?”

Sailor: “They do that, sir.”

Captain Ditch: “They really are behind the times. Not like here in the eastern colonies! Penal colonies is the far more fashionable mode of oppression these days.”

Sailor: “Uh… right.”

Captain Ditch: “That’s all done? Let’s be off then! Make sure the flag can be clearly seen! Don’t want those French sods to come along and pilfer my island. They’d probably call it something horribly… French sounding if they did.”

Sailor: “So we’re bigoted towards French people as well, sir?”

Captain Ditch: “The English have always, and will always be, bigoted towards the damned French, sailor. Now! Depart at once! A glorious future for Ditch Island awaits!!”

Sniggering sailors head back to their ship.

Losien: “The Ditch is cursed, isn’t it? That’s why all these bad stuff keeps happening to it.”

Newb: “I actually think I might agree with you.”

Geppetto the Doll: “It’s being kept afloat by… goats with testicles and a talking, clown-coloured thing is pulling it.”

Losien: “Definitely cursed.”

Arnold: “How do you know this, Geppetto?”

Geppetto the Doll: “I wad built with x-ray vision!”

Arnold: “Cool!”

The doll’s eyes turn to Losien, who quickly gives him a good smack.

Then… there is a grumble.

They all look overboard and, sure enough, in the stomach acid is all the spicy shrimp that the whale had eaten on her date with the vampire kraken.

Moby Dick the Man: “Oh crap.”

Losien: “You mean ‘oh crap’ as in ‘oh no’ or ‘oh crap’ as in…”

Moby Dick the Man: “Both…”

Losien: “Everyone hold on!!!”

The gurgling becomes rumbling, becomes shaking and becomes heaving. The ship, with everyone clinging onto it, is suddenly, and violently, propelled… rearwards.

There was darkness and screaming and terror.

And finally… a light.

At the end of the tunnel.

And, in the near future, there would be much counselling.

The ship, along with its crew, land on the Ditch Beach with an unceremonious thud. Losien, lying on the hot sand, with her eyes shut, speaks after a long silence.

Losien: “This is it. We have reached the lowest point of the NeS Story. Never will anything be worse than being shat out like a projectile from a whale’s ass because of spicy shrimp, onto an island being kept afloat by inflated goat-testicles.”


External References

  1. Flintlock article, Wikipedia.