The Plothole

In NeS3 Post 181, Captain Ahab the Whale is terrified that she is about to be killed by an undead kraken, who, along with an undead shoggoth, has been chasing her since NeS3 Post 179, with the NeS Heroes all the while in her stomach. But instead of attacking her, the kraken kisses her and wants to date her. The Narrator thinks that Arnold, who has a weak stomach, might throw up at this romantic exchange. Newb wants permission to kill Aladdyn for saying dumb things and considers mutiny when Losien denies permission, but Losien points out it would be a wasted effort since they're probably going to be dead from stomach acid soon. The romance continues and the kraken reveals he is not an undead zombie, but an undead vampire. Ahab thinks it is all moving too fast and wants to slow down, so the kraken takes her to dinner with a crab singing romantic songs. However, the dinner is spoilt when Honeybee suddenly arrives, dragging The Ditch Island behind her. Inside the whale, Losien gets the sense that Honeybee has suddenly shown up, sensing a disturbance in the Story, though initially citing it as the Force. Aladdyn manages to get a reference correct, speaking of the Force, but when everyone is surprised, he assumes he got it wrong again and changes it to May the Fourth. Moby Dick the Human does not understand either reference.


Cap'n Ahab the Whale winces at the kraken's mouth gets closer - and closer - AND CLOSER!

Undead Kraken: *smooch!*

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "Wha? I mean, WhhhHHHHaaaaAAAAaaaa?"

Undead Kraken: "You're cute when you're flustered. I like you! Let's go out!"

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "EEEeeeeHHHhhhhHHHHhhh???"

Undead Kraken: "What are you, Canadian?"

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "Says the Japanese kraken."

Undead Kraken: "Oy! That's stereotyping right there! Just because I have tentacles, doesn't mean I use them like Japan wishes I did!"

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "Okay, so why did you kiss me?"

Undead Kraken: "Because I'm looking for love, you looked a little lonely, and I like the cut of your jib!"

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "You like my what?"

Undead Kraken: "Look, your blubber gives you curves in all the right places, you know?"

Good thing Arnold can't hear this byplay, or he might throw up again.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "What is it Arnold shouldn't hear?"

Mackie: "Who the hell are you talking to, blue?"

Losien: "The Narrator, of course."

Newb: "Permission to kill Aladdyn for saying dumb shit again."

Losien: "Denied."

Newb: "Aww. Maybe I should mutiny."

Losien: "It'd be wasted effort, after all, since Ahab's stomach acid is gonna do us in if the spicy shrimp don't first."

Newb: "Eh, fair point."

Back to our burgeoning romance.

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "But you're undead!"

Undead Kraken: "Yeah, and? Undead have needs too, you know! It's zombies who want brains. I'm a vampire!"

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "You are?"

Undead Vampire Kraken: "What, you just lumped me under all undead without taking the time to consider what I really am?"

It sounds hurt.

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "Ermmmm, sorry?"

Vampire Kraken: "That's okay. You can make it up to me with a kiss. Or if you like, I could suck on your--"

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "Eep! I don't want to be fed on or turned!"

Vampire Kraken: "I wasn't going to say blood."

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "Oh. Oh."

It pauses.

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "You know, this is all moving a little fast for me. Could we take it a bit slower?"

Vampire Kraken: "Sure, no problem!"

Before too long, the vampire kraken and the white whale are sitting at a romantic candlelight dinner for two. Under the ocean. Somehow. A crab is crooning a romantic tune at a microphone under a spotlight. Shoggoth waiters serve them wine and platters of spicy shrimp.

Cap'n Ahab the Whale: "I was wrong about you. I'm really having a nice time--"

Honeybee: "CHARGE!"

The floating island, being tugged by a Honeybee who looks like a cross between a tugboat and a submarine, comes zooming towards the dining couple. Shoggoth waiters scatter.

Honeybee: "For my friends! For the sake of the story! For me to be around in order to make dirty jokes!"

Within the whale's belly, our heroes can't hear what's going on outside.

Iriana: "A chill just went down my spine for no reason."

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "I know. It's like someone talked over my grave."

Arnold: "No reason? We are being slowly digested in the stomach of the Sarlacc[Ext 1] for a thousand years."

Everyone looks at him.

Arnold: "I mean, being less slowly digested in the stomach of the white whale for an indeterminate amount of time."

Losien: "I'm not so sure. I feel a disturbance in the Force. As though a million voices cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced."

Everyone looks at her.

Losien: "I mean, I feel a disturbance in the story. As though a million prudes cried in terror at an incorrigible dirty jokester incoming, and were suddenly shoved aside by a brightly colored submarine."

Mackie: "That's awfully specific..."

Aladdyn, his face grim, speaks next.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "May the Force be with us."

Everyone looks at him, this time in shock at actually getting a quote right. He notices the looks and gets flustered.

Aladdyn L. Quirk: "Oh, I got the line wrong, didn't I? Um, wait, I've got it! It's May the Fourth[Ext 2] be with us, right?"

Silence. Even Newb isn't quite sure how to respond to this new twist on the blue half-genie's idiocy. After a few moments, Moby Dick the Pirate Captain's confused voice can be heard muttering into the silence.

Moby Dick the Pirate Captain: "The fourth what?"


Britt's Commentary

"The line 'May the Force be with you' is from Star Wars[Ext 3] and the altered line 'May the Fourth be with you' is a play on that original line, which led to Star Wars Day[Ext 2]." ~ Britt the Writer


External References