In NeS3 Post 7, The Otakus had reached the Ditch Lighthouse where Iriana Emp's room is located. But then Wai also arrived. The Otakus view Wai as getting between them and their newfound 'waifu', so they attempt to attack him, wielding their Otaku Blades. Wai defends himself, but tries not to hurt them too much until Sushi Baka starts to make lightsabre noises, which annoys Wai to the point that he throws Sushi Baka out of the window. Outside, Losien Simon, Char and Aladdyn have arrived and find Sushi Baka dead. A moment later and Emperorofpantsu falls from the window and dies before them, asking them to tell his mother to delete his hard drive as his final words. Losien wants to get to the top of the lighthouse, because she fears Iriana may be in danger and Char agrees that Iriana would be most at risk in the company of men such as The Otakus, admitting that he had done preliminary research on the group as part of his time with the Australian-robots. He cannot remember why he was with them in the first place, declaring that he never forgets anything, which prompts Aladdyn to gets his phrases wrong again and state that he has the memory of a chimpanzee, instead of elephant. Losien tells Aladdyn to stop talking and help get up the stairs quickly to save Iriana. Aladdyn unexpectedly agrees and rushes off. A moment later, however, and he falls from the window too. Char reports that Aladdyn will be okay, but Losien charges up to the top of the lighthouse to see Wai slapping an Otaku and threatening to throw him out of the window if he doesn't stop attacking. Iriana declares that this is all very exciting and beckons for Losien to sit and watch the show. Wai is relieved to see Losien, thinking he had come to the wrong place, and explains that he didn't know Aladdyn was a NeS Hero and that the half-genie had come running straight at him. Now that the last of The Otakus are down, with Ramen huddled in the corner with PTSD and vowing never to speak to women again, Wai and Iriana agree to join Losien and leave the lighthouse.
Dank Ravenknight: “This dude is trying to hustle in on our chick.”
Raman: “I don’t think she likes being called that.”
Raman: “I thought you said real girls can’t be waifus?”
Edgelord: “Her sweet, sweet nectar will be mine!”
Iriana glares from her tea to Edgelord.
Iriana: “It will not! If you want tea, you can pour your own!”
Edgelord thrusts a finger at Wai.
Edgelord: “You. Will. Die! Mortal!”[Ext 2]
The other Otakus clap their hands in appreciation of a well placed line. Edgelord then runs at Wai with a high-pitched attack squeal. Wai, fairly perplexed at what is taking place before him, sidesteps and as the fat, clumsy man scuttles past Wai slaps his back. The man went flying forward and lands on his belly, bottom sticking up in the air.
Wai: “Looks like there’s a full moon this evening!”
Edgelord struggles to pull his trousers back up as she gets back to his feet, wheezing from the effort.
Dank Ravenknight: “Men! Draw your Otaku Blades!”
The six men draw their shiny, neon katanas from their belts. Each man strikes a confident pose with their uniquely coloured blades.
Wai: “Okay, boys, I don’t think there’s any need for this.”
Dank Ravenknight: “Raman! Cover me!”
Before Dank could charge forward, Raman throws a blanket onto his head. Dank stops where he is, realising what has happened and wordlessly despairs at the idiocy of Raman. He stands still in the awkward silence before he snaps and slashes the blanket to shreds. He glowers at Raman but Kawaii-Mikeu takes it upon himself to take matters into his own hands.
He waggles his sword, which is much shorter than the others and coloured peach, at Wai.
Kawaii-Mikeu: “I will strike you down, evil-doer!”
Wai: “Evil? Me?”
Kawaii-Mikeu jumps into the air, quite magically for such a massive man, and comes down to belly-flop onto Wai. Without much option in the way of recourse, Wai slams his fist into the overweight magical girl’s gut. Kawaii-Mikeu staggers about trying to gasp for breath. Wai puts a hand on his shoulder.
Wai: “You okay, fella? Sorry about that.”
Sushi Baka starts lazzing cheap ninja stars at Wai. They cut through the air but misses Wai.
Wai: “Whoa! Hey now! You could poke someone’s eye out with those!”
Sushi Baka: “Bzum. Zum. Bzzzuuum!”
Wai: “That is really annoying.”
Sushi Baka: “Zzzzzzum! Zum, zum, zum, bzzzzum!”
Wai: “Quit it.”
Sushi Baka: “Bzzzum, zuuuuuum, zum, zum!”
Wai: “Quit it!”
Sushi Baka: “Bzum! Bzum! Bzzzum!”
Wai: “That’s it—”
Outside, the three NeS Heroes hear a terrible scream and look up to see the body of Sushi Baka come flying from the window. He screams the whole way down and the three heroes step aside just in time for the crunch.
Char leans down to check on the fallen Otaku.
Char: “He’s dead, Jim!”[Ext 5]
Aladdyn looks at Losien.
Aladdyn: “I thought your name was Losien!”
Losien: “We should go—”
She is cut off by another man screaming and they look up again to see another of the Otakus, Emperorofpantsu, come flying out of the window. He likewise lands with a sickening squish. Char checks on him next.
Char: “Still alive!”
Emperorofpantsu: “Tell… my… mom…”
Char: “I’m sure she knows.”
Emperorofpantsu: “Tell her… delete… my… harddrive!”
The man dies.
Aladdyn: “Wow! They’re dropping like bees!”
Losien: “Bees? You mean flies?”
Aladyyn: “Why would flies drop?”
Losien: “Why would bees dr—forget it. We should go and see who’s doing this, they might be a new ally or…”
Aladdyn: “Or they might have bug spray!”
Losien: “What? No! They might be a new enemy and Iriana is probably up there!”
Char: “Given the psychological nature of these… Otakus, it would be a bad thing to leave such a young girl in their presence unattended.”
Losien: “You’re familiar with Iriana?”
Char: “I did preliminary research into the targets as defined by the parameters laid out by my former employer.”
Losien: “You could just say yes.”
Losien: “You still didn’t explain why you were with those robo-clowns in the first place.”
Char: “Yes, I wish I knew that too. Someone must have tampered with my memory files because I cannot remember at all.”
Losien: “More likely, knowing you, you just forgot.”
Char: “Forgot!? Me!? Never! I forget nothing!”
Aladdyn: “Because you have the memory of a chimpanzee, right!?”
He half-genie is grinning as though he had just made the most profound statement of the century.
Aladdyn: “Yes, oh fearless leader?”
Losien: “Less talking, more running up the stairs.”
Aladdyn: “Aye, aye, boss!”
Aladdyn runs at the stairs and bounds up them like a leopard.
Losien: “Well, at least he has enthusiasm.”
Char: “He does have great physique. He could probably make it up this lighthouse in just minutes without breaking a sweat!”
Losien: “You could too, being a robot and all.”
Char: “These old gears don’t move like they used to, Losien.”
Losien: “Old? You?”
There is another scream from above and the two of them part as another body slams into the ground with a great crack. This body is blue. Losien looks down with concern.
Losien: “You alright down there, Al?”
Aladdyn can’t speak but he manages to raise a thumb.
Losien: “Oooooookay, Char?”
Char kneels down and whips out his bandages while Losien starts up the stairs. By the time she gets to the top she has heard a whole lot of angry shouting and squealing from within the topmost room of the Ditch Lighthouse where Iriana Emp spends most of her time reading books, drinking tea and writing Twilight[Ext 6] fanfiction[Ext 7].
Suddenly, a huge middle-aged man wearing a little schoolgirl’s uniform is sent flying past Losien, sprawled on the ground. His tiny skirt hides nothing and Losien’s eyes bulge in horror before she manages to plunge her fists into her own eyesockets. She ducks into the room to get a more appetising view – though even the view of steaming poop on a hot day would have been more appetising than what she had just witnessed – of a man with a bowl-cut slapping one of the Otakus.
Wai: “How many times do I have to slap you? You’ll be going out of the window next if you don’t stop!”
Edgelord rushes at Wai with a scream like a frenzied Native American and his vibrant katana over his head. His face is already black and blue and he moves like a crippled hippopotamus. Wai shakes his head and, in a sudden move, uppercuts Edgelord. As the Otaku sails straight through the ceiling, Dan Forden[Ext 8] suddenly appears;
Dan Forden: “TOASTY!!!”
Dan Forden then runs off to continue his day job, shouting toasty into random fights across the globe.
The android turns at the familiar voice and he sighs with relief when he lays his eyes on Losien’s face.
Wai: “I was beginning to think I had come to the wrong island.”
Wai, without turning from Losien, quickly thrusts his fist out to catch Dank Ravenknight in the jaw as he ran at Wai. Dank falls unconscious on the floor. Losien looks from Wai to Iriana, who is still sitting at the table.
Iriana: “Losien! Come and join me! This is all very exciting!”
Iriana has a bag of popcorn she has been stuffing her face with and waves it to Losien. Losien rolls her eyes but looks around the room. She sees one Otaku now unconscious on the floor and another, Raman, huddled in the corner like he has PTSD[Ext 9]. The hole in the ceiling was where she last saw Edgelord and Kawaii-Mikeu is showing off his ‘magical girl wand’ back in the corridor. The other two Otakus are corpses outside.
Having finished ticking off the Otaku-count, Losien walks over to Wai.
Losien: “Why did you punch Aladdyn out of the window?”
Losien: “The blue genie guy.”
Wai: “Oh! He came running at me like a lunatic so I assumed he was with these guys.”
Losien: “Well, punching poor Aladdyn aside, I’m glad you’re here. There’re a lot of villains on the island right now and we could use your help.”
Wai: “I’m not in the best shape, to be honest—”
Losien glances around at the destruction Wai has wrought whilst ‘not in the best shape’.
Wai: “But I’m glad to help.”
Losien nods and turns to Iriana.
Losien: “Iri, we could you use your…”
Losien chews her lip a moment. ‘Help’ is far too strong a word.
Losien: “Moral support.”
Iriana draws a deep breath, as though called to some great purpose, and puts down the bag of popcorn. Instead she hoists up her teacup and totters over to Wai and Losien as though she is gliding along the floor. The there of them march from the room. Wai and Losien step over Kawaii-Mikeu but Iriana, wearing a dress, wriggles around his massive form, before she can get to the stairwell and descend.
Back in the room Raman mutters to himself with a tear in his eye;
Raman: “I will never, ever, talk to girls again…”
- Waifu article, Know Your Meme.
- MK Soundbites - You Will Die Mortal video, YouTube.
- Shuriken article, Wikipedia.
- Lightsaber article, Wikipedia.
- "He's Dead, Jim!" section, Leonard McCoy article, Wikipedia.
- Twilight (novel series) article, Wikipedia.
- Fan Fiction article, Wikipedia.
- Dan Forden article, Wikipedia.
- Post-traumatic stress disorder article, Wikipedia.