The Plothole
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The Plothole

NeS3 Post 105 opens with the Narrator claiming that the NeS Heroes have been stranded in the Arctic for months and resorted to cannibalism, before Losien pointedly denies this. The Narrator then states that the first to be eaten was Losien. Newb agrees that they would eat Losien first and even Iriana joins in with the implication that Losien has put on some weight. With them are the robots, Wai, Char and Mutt who couldn't be eaten, which leaves Aladdyn. Newb thinks they might explode if they ate a half-genie and Iriana thinks he has lean, dark meat because he's so muscular, unlike Losien. Char reminds them this is a silly conversation and Mutt points out it would have been smarter to ask Santa's Little Leprechauns where Santa's Sleigh was when they had the chance. CopyKAT wants to know where this new 'doggo' has been and starts to sniff Mutt's behind, grossing out Losien and surprising Mutt. Char reminds her not to judge animals by human standards. CopyKAT smells the metal in Mutt and wants to sniff deeper, so Mutt starts to run away and is chased by CopyKAT. Newb comes up with an idea and asks to use Char's Voice Box, stating it worked in the past - against the shoggoth in NeS3 Post 83. At the Glacier Gate of the Cold Castle, the leprechauns are keeping watch when they hear a booming voice claiming to be God. The voice claims they have been naughty and are in need of punishment. Each blames the other for stealing Santa's sandwich until it comes to Dicky the Leprechaun who, coyly, asks to be punished. The voice wants Santa's Sleigh, which they think was taken by Santa himself when he went out. The voice curses and the leprechauns see a group of people dash away and they're left in silence, Dicky without his desired punishment. The heroes are annoyed because they had already met Santa Claus and wasted their time at Cold Castle. They return to Honeybee, who is currently a tour bus, and drive back to Santa, but they discover he is under attack from an unknown android. Iriana wants to help the robot, so the bus sends Santa leaping aside and Losien opens the bus doors to greet the stranger. CopyKAT gets a look at the robot and recognises him, but can't get his memories straight. The Galactitron Scout, who had arrived in NeS3 Post 98, opens fire on the heroes too. Wai spots the sleigh, but they need to distract their two enemies. Aladdyn offers to dress as a woman again, but instead Newb gets to go out guns blazing. As she attacks, she finds that Aladdyn is with her, sent by Wai who she thinks wants to get Aladdyn shot. At the sleigh, Honeybee transforms into a sidecar and attaches to the sleigh and the heroes climb in. Aladdyn and Newb catch up and squeeze into the sidecar. Losien steers the sleigh into the sky and looks for the teleport switch, but the switch she pushes causes the engine to stall and the sleigh to plummet towards the ground.

Post

It has been many months since the NeS Heroes were stranded in Arctic. Holed up in a cave with no food, they resorted to cannibalism.


Losien:Narrator, none of that is true. It’s been like… an hour since we ran away from the castle.”


Naturally, it was Losien who was eaten first.


Losien: “What!? Why me first!?”


Newb: “To be honest, yeah. I think you’d be eaten first.”


Iriana: “You are getting a little…”


Losien: “You are not about to call me fat!?”


Iriana: “No! Just… not as small as us…”


Losien turned to look at Char and Wai. Robots. Can’t eat them. She looked at Aladdyn.


Losien: “He’s way bigger than me!”


Newb: “He’s half-genie. If we eat him, we might combust.”


Iriana: “And he has all those muscles. Nothing but lean, dark meat.”


Losien: “That’s just another way of calling me fat!”


Char: “This is a very silly conversation. No one will be eaten.”


Newb started to rummage in her pockets.


Newb: “I think I might have a saltshaker in here somewhere.”


Losien curled up her eyes away from Newb and glared at her with a mixture of terror and admonishment.


Wai: “We ran away from the elves—”


Newb:Leprechauns.”


Wai: “And now we’re hiding out in this convenient ice cave. What do we do? We need to get Santa’s sleigh.”


Mutt: “I say, have you chaps considered the possibility of merely asking these ruffians for the sleigh?”


Wai: “Can someone remind me why there is a talking dog with us?”


CopyKAT: “Invadin’ on this doggo’s turf, he is! Bork! Bork!”


Iriana: “KAT! Be nice to the new doggy!”


With some trepidation, CopyKAT circled the new hound.


CopyKAT: “Where doggo been?”


He then had a good, long sniff right at the backside of Mutt.


Mutt: “What the devil!?”


Losien: “Gross.”


Char: “We shouldn’t judge animals by human standards, Losien.”


CopyKAT: “Wowers! Smellin’ good! Smellin’ like metal stuffs!”


CopyKAT pants as his old hunger for metal resurfaced. After Wai and Char, however, he had learnt not to chew sapient things. Instead, he shoved his shout right up there for a more enchanting smell.


Mutt: “YIPE!”


The robot-dog leapt away from the alien-dog, but CopyKATY was hungry for the scent and gave chase.


Mutt: “Someone get this mangy animal away from me! Help! Help! I am in duress!!”


Losien: “I kind of miss when Al was the most obnoxious member of the group…”


Aladdyn swelled with pride.


Aladdyn: “Thank you, Losien! That’s so nice!”


Newb turned to Char.


Newb: “Okay. I know what to do. Mutt is right, so give me your voice box.”


Char: “W-what?”


Newb: “It worked before, right?”




The leprechauns were all stood on guard at the gate. They weren’t the best guardsmen in the world, but they weren’t daft enough to stand down after just an hour of seeing intruders about the place. This isn’t Assassin’s Creed[Ext 1].

Then, they heard a voice boom out from, seemingly, nowhere.


Voice: “This is the voice of the mysterons[Ext 2]!”


There was a pause in the voice, but the leprechauns are sure they could hear whispering saying; “stop making Captain Scarlet[Ext 3] jokes! Nobody gets them!”.


Voice: “This is the voice… of… GOD!”


Leprechauns: “Le gasp!”


Voice: “You have all been very… naughty! And need punishment!”


Ricky the Leprechaun: “No! It wasn’t me! It was Micky that stole Santa’s sandwich!”


Micky the Leprechaun: “No way, José![Ext 4] It was Dicky!”


Dicky the Leprechaun: “Oh… so can I get… punished?”


There was a worrisome, coquettish smirk on Dicky’s face. The other leprechauns stepped away from him.


Voice: “Uh… sure… but first! Bring me Santa’s sandwich!”


Leprechauns: “Le gasp!”


Voice: “I mean sleigh! Bring me Santa’s sleigh!”


Ricky the Leprechaun: “I think he took it with him.”


Voice: “… what?”


Micky the Leprechaun: “He went to find some aliens, or something. Rode it right outta here.”


They overhear some angry whispering.


Voice: “Well… fuck.”


Then there was silence. Ricky is sure he spotted some figures making a mad dash across the ice away from the castle.

After a long silence…


Dicky the Leprechaun: “Don’t I get punished now?”


The other leprechauns moved even further away.




Running back across the ice in the direction of Honeybee the blue bus, the heroes were all grumbling to themselves. Even as they stepped back onto Honeybee, they continued to grumble and growl.

Honeybee bounced and skidded along the ice until they reached the place they had last seen the shotgun-wielding Santa Claus. There they heard it. The sound of gunfire.


They crowded the windows and saw the bright red figure of Santa taking aim across the ice at what appeared to be an android. The android fired back with a powerful red laser that caused the ice to melt and fizz.


Iriana: “We should help him!”


Newb: “Did you forget he tried to kill you!?”


Iriana: “I meant the robo-man!”


Newb: “Why!? We don’t know him! He could be anybody!”


Losien: “Iri’s right. Enemy of my enemy and all that.”


The bus screeched past Santa, who bellowed something about the ‘youth today’ and ‘joyriders’. The bus came to a halt near to the android and Losien opened the bus door.


Wai: “There’s the sleigh on the other side of us!”


Wai pointed to the window he was leering out of. CopyKAT got to the bus door along with Losien and, when he saw the android, something in his doggy-brain rattled. He knew this being somehow, but he couldn’t figure out how.


Losien: “Hi there! Do you need our help?”


Galactriton Scout: “Squishy human detected. Opportunity: Target practice.”


Losien: “Target-? Oh crap!”


The laser slammed into the side of the bus and Honeybee gave a whine over her speakers. Losien grabbed KAT as he almost bounced off the deck of the bus and the doors closed.

Lasers slammed into the door.


Galactritron Scout: “Exterminate! Exterminate![Ext 5] I always wanted to say that! Exterminate!”


Honeybee: “That is no way to treat a lady!”


Mutt: “Madam, you are quite right! That ruffian needs a sound beating for treating you in such a manner!”


Honeybee: “Oh! Aren’t you charming!”


Newb: “Looks like you have competition, Aladdyn!”


Aladdyn: “I do!?”


He quickly got out his game of Connect 4[Ext 6].

Honeybee whizzed back towards the sleigh. When Santa saw where they were going, he also started firing on the bus.


Santa Claus: “You lizards! Obama[Ext 7]-worshippers! Get away from my property!”


Wai: “Are we just going to make a dash for the thing?”


Iriana: “What about Honeybee? It’s too dangerous to leave her here!”


Losien: “I already thought of that. But we need to somehow hold off our trigger-happy friends.”


Wai: “Dress Aladdyn in women’s clothes again?”


Aladdyn was already fetching out a pretty yellow dress from a chest when Losien refuted that plan.


Losien: “How about a sensible plan instead?”


Aladdyn: “Awww.”


There was a moment of silence.

Aladdyn, hope renewed, started to get the dress out again.


Newb: “Surely this is my cue, right?”


Aladdyn: “Awww.”


Losien: “Okay… fine… just… don’t get too Rambo[Ext 8].”


Newb had already gotten a red bandana from Aladdyn’s chest.


Newb: “Awwww.”


Moments later and Honeybee opened her doors. The icy waste outside fell into silence as both Santa and the Galactitron waited for something to happen.

Then Newb leapt out with an UZI in each hand, spraying dozens of bullets everywhere and cackling manically.


Santa Claus: “A terrorist!”


He dove into a pile of snow, while the android took several bullets to the face.


Galactitron Scout: “That was… annoying.”


He returned fire with his laser, but Newb tossed a grenade.


Newb: “Fire in the hole!”


Aladdyn: “Which hole!?”


Newb turned to see him stood there with a fire extinguisher.


Newb: “Idiot! Help the others!”


Aladdyn: “Wai told me to help you.”


Newb: “He wants you to get shot, you damn fool! Not that I blame him, mind.”


The grenade blew up and caused the android to rock back, but he planted his mechanical boots firmly into the ice and his clothing was ripped and torn by the blast. With some of his garments aflame, the android gave a wicked grin and started to approach.


Aladdyn: “We’re up urine creek without a boat!”


Suddenly, Santa burst from the snow like a savage wild man and opened round after round into the android.


Santa Claus: “DIE, MARSHA, DIE!”


Losien: “Come on! We’re ready!”


Newb and Aladdyn turned around to see everyone piled onto Santa’s sleigh. Beside the sleigh was now a pale blue sidecar, which was attached to the sleigh like it might have been a motorcycle.

Everyone was wearing aviator goggles. Even CopyKAT and Mutt.


Newb and Aladdyn squeezed into the sidecar together, though Aladdyn’s beefcake body took up too much room, and Losien started the engine on the sleigh.


Wai: “Wait, the sleigh has an engine!? Where are the reindeer!?”


Losien: “It’s 2021, Wai. Keep up with the times!”


Char: “Well, I at least hope it’s an electric battery and isn’t burning a whole lot of fossil fuels!”


Newb: “Those are the least of our worries right now, you robo-brain!”


Santa Claus: “No! My sleigh!”


The sleigh blast forth and everyone rocked back from the sudden force.


Mutt: “I say, old bean, do you comprehend how to manoeuvre this infernal contraption!?”


Losien waggled the steering wheel, which waggled the sleigh.


Losien: “Sure! Just like in the video games!”


Iriana: “I think you crashed in the video games, Losien.”


And they were airborne. The sleigh soured up, up and away, with the NeS Heroes riding it. Honeybee the sidecar was secured to the side of the sleigh, though wobbled and rattled so vigorously that Newb thought she was going to throw up. She was half-happy with that prospect as the puke would fly backwards into the face of Aladdyn.


Losien: “Okay, I guess this must be the teleportation button!”


Mutt: “Think!?”


She pushed it.

There was a cough and a splutter and the engine stopped.

Losien: “Bugger.”


Mutt: “I believe, my dear, you perchance have deactivated our means of propulsion.”


Wai: “No duhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!”


The sleigh plunged towards Arctic again, with Losien frantically pushing more buttons.

Notes

Britt's Commentary

"The 'exterminate' reference is the catchphrase of the Daleks[Ext 9] from Dr Who[Ext 10]." ~ Britt the Writer

References

External References

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