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Post
Newb Newb
Even after a long explanation from NewNewb and the talking robo-dog, Losien still wore the face of a woman trying to make sense of some brain-breaking event. Like when someone puts milk in before brewing the tea.
Losien: “You’re two Newbs?”
Newb: “Yes. I guess.”
Losien: “Is there a third Newb?”
Newb: “Maybe?”
Losien: “If you’re NewNewb, would the third one be NewNewNewb?”
Newb: “Have you been lobotomised recently?”
Losien: “I understand clones. I really do. My brother was cloned. So was my ex. And my hamster…”
Newb: “Did your dad tell you that last one?”
Losien: “Yes?”
Newb: “Your hamster died and he bought a new one, you pillock.”
Losien straightened her back.
Losien: “You-! You take that back!”
Newb: “Never!”
Wai: “I don’t get why you’re two people in one body though…”
Wai was still sick with man flu. He wore a massive blanket around his shoulders, and shuffled about in a pair of big, goofy slippers.
Newb: “The artefact that I found was meant to restore my memories, right? You remember how I couldn’t remember stuff? Like big gaps in my knowledge. The artefact was supposed to bring those memories back. But it… seems to have…”
She meshed her fingers together.
Newb: “Meshed us together.”
Wai: “But why?”
He sniffled and held an oversized handkerchief to his nose.
Newb: “I think it was something to do with Newb 2.0 hacking into my memories. Whenever she did it I… well I think I fell asleep, right?”
Losien: “The narcolepsy explained then. I hope that was the story all along and this isn’t a retcon.”
Char: “Now, now, no need to force such silliness on Ms Newb. Whatever has happened has been quite miraculous, a true feat of magic or science or… something. Not a cosmic Storywriter.”
Char whipped out a small torch and started blaring it into Newb’s retina.
Char: “And how do you feel now, Ms Newb? Any problems thinking straight? Any trouble seeing? Hearing?”
Newb: “I could see fine ‘til you shone that damn thing into my eyeballs! And if you keep moaning on, my ears might start bleeding. I’m fine. I just have a bunch of Newb 2.0’s memories now. Still can’t access my own lost memories though, but it does feel like they’re much closer… right there, just can’t quite… get them.”
Char: “If they’re there, they’re there. They’ll come in time. Don’t force it for now.”
Char then turned their head toward the robot canine.
Char: “You, my friend, aren’t where you’re supposed to be, are you?”
Mutt: “Not as such, no. I seem to have been translocated across the entire planet, along with Newb’s mind. I am not quite certain how that happened, but here I am.”
Losien: “Don’t suppose you brought this artefact with you? We could all take a trip to the correct pole.”
Newb: “I guess it was used up.”
Losien: “No surprise. They’re always one-shot artefacts right when you need them.”
Char: “What is good is that Mr Mutt here can guide us to our destination. You are from Sanctuary, right?”
Mutt: “Correct, good doctor! Unfortunately, and I do hate to admit this, but we are now at the North Pole. I can’t say I’ve ever had the luxury of walkies this far before.”
Char: “But when we reach the South Pole, you could guide us where we need to go? Well! I think we need to continue with the plan. Rescue our stalwart companions and borrow Mr Claus’ vehicle.”
Newb: “You mean steal.”
Char: “Borrow. We shan’t keep it.”
Newb: “Yeah bloody right! I’m totally keeping it! We can use it to get pizza! Not like there’s a Dominos[Ext 1] on our stupid, smegging island, is there?”
Losien: “Heeeeeeey… that island cost a lot of money…” ☹
Newb: “Yeah, well. Let’s steal us a sleigh and scarper before we get shot by these leprechauns or their fat boss.”
Char: “Insulting someone’s weight is counterproductive to helping them change, Ms Newb. You shouldn’t—”
Newb: “Someone shut the toaster up.”
Char: “I am no t-t-t-toaster, Ms Newb! I am a f-f-far more complex machine than a m-mere toaster. For one, I am fully capable of baking bread, as well as toasting it!”
Losien: “What? Aren’t you a medical robot?”
Char: “I meant I can use a bread maker to make the bread. And a toaster to toast the bread. I don’t have those things built inside me, Losien.”
Newb: “So, you’re not even as useful as a toaster or a bread maker?”
Char tutted.
Mutt: “Glad to see you’re this charming to everyone, I thought it was just me!”
Newb: “You watch-it, doggo, or you’ll not get to play fetch later.”
The robot dog whined.
Within the Cold Castle, however, the other three NeS Heroes, Aladdyn, CopyKAT and Iriana, are still prisoners. They were then herded into a prison cell together, at last.
CopyKAT growls and groans like a wookiee[Ext 2].
Iriana: “Copy, is that you?”
CopyKAT groans and jumps on Iriana.
Iriana: “I can’t see, pal! What’s going on?”
CopyKAT continues to groan and warble.
Aladdyn: “Come on, guys. CopyKAT can talk now, stop performing lines from Star Trek[Ext 3]!”
Somewhere, nerd rage ensues.
Aladdyn: “Can you really not see?”
Iriana: “No! I was blinded!”
Aladdyn: “By what!?”
Iriana: “The sight… of coffee! Aaaaargh! It burns!”
She rubs her hands into her eyes.
CopyKAT warbles like a wookiee again.
Notes
Britt's Commentary
"Despite Aladdyn's mistaken franchise, the wording between CopyKAT and Iriana is actually from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi[Ext 4], including the blindness, though for very different reasons."