The Plothole
Register
Advertisement

In NeS3 Post 100, it was revealed that Newb was cloned by the KGB and a second Newb, dubbed Newb 2.0, was in Antarctica searching for an artefact to restore her memories. However, the artefact caused both Newbs to merge into one. In NeS3 Post 101, Losien Simon tries to sympathise, telling Newb that she understands because her brother, Gebohq Simon, was cloned, as was her ex-partner, The Last True Evil, and even her hamster were all cloned. Newb asks if Losien's father, Ohqeanos Simon, told her the hamster was cloned, which Losien confirms, and Newb tells Losien the truth - the hamster died and her dad replaced it. Wai, who got man flu in NeS3 Post 99, asks why the two Newbs are now one. Newb explains that the artefact Newb 2.0 got was supposed to restore memories, but seems to have merged them instead, probably because of the mental connection between them. Losien realises this explained the narcolepsy that Newb often experienced, but hopes this isn't a retcon. Char asks Losien not burden Newb, who they believe is suffering, with Narrative Theory. Char inspects Newb, who says she's fine but the memories still haven't returned to her and Char asks her not to force. Mutt, who was transported along with Newb 2.0, isn't sure why he was moved too, but agrees that he can help guide the NeS Heroes to Sanctuary once they get to the South Pole, but he is unfamiliar with the North Pole. Char affirms they will borrow Santa's Sleigh, but Newb insists they should keep it so she could use it when they returned to The Ditch. When Newb refers to Santa's weight, Char tells her it is not helpful to insult someone's weight. In response, Newb calls Char a toaster, to which Char asserts they are able to toast and bake. Losien is surprised, querying that Char is a medical robot and Char clarifies they can use a toaster or a bread maker and doesn't have such equipment installed. Newb calls Char less useful than a bread maker or a toaster and Mutt is relieved to see that she is this rude to everyone, not just him. Inside Cold Castle, the remaining three heroes, Iriana Emp, CopyKAT and Aladdyn L. Quirk, who were captured by Santa's Little Leprechauns in NeS3 Post 97, are put into a cell together. Iriana seems to have gone blind, which she explains is because she saw a leprechaun drink coffee.

Post[]

Newb Newb[]

Even after a long explanation from NewNewb and the talking robo-dog, Losien still wore the face of a woman trying to make sense of some brain-breaking event. Like when someone puts milk in before brewing the tea.


Losien: “You’re two Newbs?”


Newb: “Yes. I guess.”


Losien: “Is there a third Newb?”


Newb: “Maybe?”


Losien: “If you’re NewNewb, would the third one be NewNewNewb?”


Newb: “Have you been lobotomised recently?”


Losien: “I understand clones. I really do. My brother was cloned. So was my ex. And my hamster…”


Newb: “Did your dad tell you that last one?”


Losien: “Yes?”


Newb: “Your hamster died and he bought a new one, you pillock.”


Losien straightened her back.


Losien: “You-! You take that back!”


Newb: “Never!”


Wai: “I don’t get why you’re two people in one body though…”


Wai was still sick with man flu. He wore a massive blanket around his shoulders, and shuffled about in a pair of big, goofy slippers.


Newb: “The artefact that I found was meant to restore my memories, right? You remember how I couldn’t remember stuff? Like big gaps in my knowledge. The artefact was supposed to bring those memories back. But it… seems to have…”


She meshed her fingers together.


Newb: “Meshed us together.”


Wai: “But why?”


He sniffled and held an oversized handkerchief to his nose.


Newb: “I think it was something to do with Newb 2.0 hacking into my memories. Whenever she did it I… well I think I fell asleep, right?”


Losien: “The narcolepsy explained then. I hope that was the story all along and this isn’t a retcon.”


Char: “Now, now, no need to force such silliness on Ms Newb. Whatever has happened has been quite miraculous, a true feat of magic or science or… something. Not a cosmic Storywriter.”


Char whipped out a small torch and started blaring it into Newb’s retina.


Char: “And how do you feel now, Ms Newb? Any problems thinking straight? Any trouble seeing? Hearing?”


Newb: “I could see fine ‘til you shone that damn thing into my eyeballs! And if you keep moaning on, my ears might start bleeding. I’m fine. I just have a bunch of Newb 2.0’s memories now. Still can’t access my own lost memories though, but it does feel like they’re much closer… right there, just can’t quite… get them.”


Char: “If they’re there, they’re there. They’ll come in time. Don’t force it for now.”


Char then turned their head toward the robot canine.


Char: “You, my friend, aren’t where you’re supposed to be, are you?”


Mutt: “Not as such, no. I seem to have been translocated across the entire planet, along with Newb’s mind. I am not quite certain how that happened, but here I am.”


Losien: “Don’t suppose you brought this artefact with you? We could all take a trip to the correct pole.”


Newb: “I guess it was used up.”


Losien: “No surprise. They’re always one-shot artefacts right when you need them.”


Char: “What is good is that Mr Mutt here can guide us to our destination. You are from Sanctuary, right?”


Mutt: “Correct, good doctor! Unfortunately, and I do hate to admit this, but we are now at the North Pole. I can’t say I’ve ever had the luxury of walkies this far before.”


Char: “But when we reach the South Pole, you could guide us where we need to go? Well! I think we need to continue with the plan. Rescue our stalwart companions and borrow Mr Claus’ vehicle.”


Newb: “You mean steal.”


Char: “Borrow. We shan’t keep it.”


Newb: “Yeah bloody right! I’m totally keeping it! We can use it to get pizza! Not like there’s a Dominos[Ext 1] on our stupid, smegging island, is there?”


Losien: “Heeeeeeey… that island cost a lot of money…” ☹


Newb: “Yeah, well. Let’s steal us a sleigh and scarper before we get shot by these leprechauns or their fat boss.”

Char: “Insulting someone’s weight is counterproductive to helping them change, Ms Newb. You shouldn’t—”


Newb: “Someone shut the toaster up.”


Char: “I am no t-t-t-toaster, Ms Newb! I am a f-f-far more complex machine than a m-mere toaster. For one, I am fully capable of baking bread, as well as toasting it!”


Losien: “What? Aren’t you a medical robot?”


Char: “I meant I can use a bread maker to make the bread. And a toaster to toast the bread. I don’t have those things built inside me, Losien.”


Newb: “So, you’re not even as useful as a toaster or a bread maker?”


Char tutted.


Mutt: “Glad to see you’re this charming to everyone, I thought it was just me!”


Newb: “You watch-it, doggo, or you’ll not get to play fetch later.”


The robot dog whined.




Within the Cold Castle, however, the other three NeS Heroes, Aladdyn, CopyKAT and Iriana, are still prisoners. They were then herded into a prison cell together, at last.

CopyKAT growls and groans like a wookiee[Ext 2].


Iriana: “Copy, is that you?”


CopyKAT groans and jumps on Iriana.


Iriana: “I can’t see, pal! What’s going on?”


CopyKAT continues to groan and warble.


Aladdyn: “Come on, guys. CopyKAT can talk now, stop performing lines from Star Trek[Ext 3]!”


Somewhere, nerd rage ensues.


Aladdyn: “Can you really not see?”


Iriana: “No! I was blinded!”


Aladdyn: “By what!?”


Iriana: “The sight… of coffee! Aaaaargh! It burns!”


She rubs her hands into her eyes.


CopyKAT warbles like a wookiee again.

Notes[]

Britt's Commentary[]

"Despite Aladdyn's mistaken franchise, the wording between CopyKAT and Iriana is actually from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi[Ext 4], including the blindness, though for very different reasons."

References[]

External References[]

Advertisement